It’s true: I have deep emotional wounds that no non-professional can heal.
I don’t even have words to express what I am feeling. I have this massive black hole in my stomach that is draining me out. I am tired, and my eyes sting.
I won’t start putting myself down like every girl.
I will not say I am never a first option. I will not say I feel ugly. I will not say I am a horrible person. Because it just feels like a pity party, and that is… Well, lame.
But, what is true is that somehow, I always manage to screw things up.
The saddest part is that he was different. From all the guys before (who weren’t that many anyway), he was the total opposite. He did not fit into my cookie cutter model of the ‘perfect guy’. But that is what made me fall for him.
Now I am just sitting here, miles away from him, sobbing and telling myself that it will not just end like this, although deep down I KNOW that he is getting tired of this shit, my shit, just as every single weekend. Who wouldn’t.
And tonight, he will go out with his friends, get drunk, and lose himself to music. I am pretty sure. He’s quite handsome, so he might even end up kissing some pretty girl who doesn’t give him headaches like I do. What’s awful is that I pushed him to it. And I am sick of it.
I always push people away. I can’t let them in, even if I try. I really wanted him to be a part of my life, actually… But I couldn’t.
I know he cares about me, and I care about him too. At this point, all I want to do is just give him a hug. A long one. Without saying anything. And, if I deserve him, and he wants it bad enough, we will sort this out.
I’m sorry if my hands tremble when you say beautiful things that weren’t made for people like me.